PIC No. 18:
• Title: Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships
• Author: Jerry Manney
• Publisher: TCK Publishing (March 11, 2022, 173 pages)
• Management Bucket #7 of 20: The People Bucket
Welcome to Issue No. 18 of PAILS IN COMPARISON, the value-added sidekick of John Pearson’s Buckets Blog. This blog features my “PICs”—shorter reviews of helpful books—with comparisons to other books in my 20 management buckets (core competencies) filing system.
“You Don’t Have to Go to Every Argument You’re Invited to!”
Oh, my! Jerry Manney (therapist, writer, and teacher) has been hanging around our homes and workplaces—and he knows way too much!
So I have two options for you:
[ ] Option #1: Schedule time with a therapist. (Could be expensive.)
[ ] Option #2: Read this book. (A bargain!)
And I have two questions for you:
[ ] #1. How many uncomfortable arguments have you had in the last 12 months?
[ ] #2. How many books have you read in the last 12 months on how to STOP arguing?
Do you see where I’m going with this? Jerry Manney writes, “Regardless of what we argue about or why we argue, it boils down to this: we’re trying to make someone think or act the way we want them to, and we’re met with the usual result—pushback.”
How’s that working out for you? (Yeah. Me, too.) So that’s why I’m now recommending Manney’s book, Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships. It’s the perfect length and—like a good James Bond movie—the action (the learning) blasts off in the opening minutes.
Examples:
• Why We Actually Argue (19 convicting bullet points!): “You argue as a form of competition.” Or, “Sometimes you simply enjoy arguing.” Or, “You want to prove a point.”
• Your Specific Arguing Patterns! Manney promises to help you (me, too!) “cultivate your awareness of which situations upset you and make you more likely to get into heated arguments.” (He then offers a helpful one-step-at-a-time process.) Did you know you have “specific arguing patterns?”
Not your problem? Don’t need this book? That was my prideful response—until I reviewed the “Why Do I Argue? Self-Questionnaire.” The author had my attention by Question #10, but then he piles on with 11 more questions! I double dare you: reflect on all 21 statements, including:
• #3. “I thought that if I disagreed with someone that one of us had to be right and the other had to be wrong.”
• #17. “At times, I find myself thinking, ‘But if they would just listen to reason…’”
• #18. “At times, I find myself thinking, ‘But I know what is best for [name, relationship].’”
• #19. “At times, I find myself thinking that [name, relationship] wants me to change, but they are not willing to change and we continue to butt heads.”
Note: Each question also includes a fill-in-the-blanks add-on about the person and relationship—and, importantly, asks you to identify your goal in that situation.
Guarantee! Read the first 14 pages and you’ll be at the head of your class in all-things-arguing. And, there’s no way you’ll skip Chapter 2, “Put the Brakes on Heated Arguments,” with seven points about calling a “time-out.” Really helpful! And this: “…practice not going to every argument you’re invited to.” (I’ll remember that today!)
The author’s humility is refreshing (remember, he’s a therapist). He quotes Alexander Pope: “A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser than he was yesterday.”
That reminded me of a friend’s frequent response to his wife: “I may be wrong. I’ve been wrong before. Do you want to talk about it?” (LOL!) I’ve repeated that phrase occasionally to my wife—but now with this marvelous book, I actually am learning how to talk about it.
DON’T’ SKIP:
• “Seven Guidelines for Positive Communication” – Example: “Label Your Emotions” (the author lists 50 emotions—Yikes!).
• Referencing the bestseller on negotiations, Getting to Yes, Manney notes, “They point out that it’s easy to sometimes forget that a negotiation is not a debate…”
• “What to Do When You Need More Help” (Chapter 10) delivers “…insights into frequent conditions that may contribute to your personal and interpersonal stress or conflicts” (physical issues and more). Excellent! And the chapter on “Children and Teens” and “the teachable moment” is a must-read for all parents and grandparents (and my camp director colleagues!).
• “Positive Self-Reinforcement from the Past”—and the wonderful country western song, “I Hear Voices All the Time” by Chris Young, is a keeper! (Listen on YouTube).
• The helpful mnemonics and other memory aids such as "HALT" (the dangers of becoming overly Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired) and "SOS." He writes, "Rome may not have been built in a day, but when I am overly tired, I can build mountains out of molehills in minutes."
While you can read this book just once and gain significant value, the book can also be leveraged as a workbook. See the prompts for journaling your responses—and creating actionable plans. You’ll appreciate the numerous prompts that begin with “My plan is to…” Brilliant!
I can think of several arguments I’ve avoided already since reading this book. I’m grateful!
PAILS IN COMPARISON: Reading this book reminded me of several other must-read books in the People Bucket, plus other buckets/core competencies. Note: I slotted Why We Argue and How to Stop in the People Bucket—because the four social styles (Drivers, Analyticals, Amiables, and Expressives) will each approach an argument from their preferred comfort zone. When stressed out, you'll use one of four “back-up styles" such as: withdrawing, dominating, giving in, or attacking. See Bob Phillips' book below and the social style worksheets at the People Bucket webpage here. More reading:
• Overcoming Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People and Situations, by Bob Phillips (read my review)
• The Advice Trap: Be Humble, Stay Curious & Change the Way You Lead Forever, by Michael Bungay Stanier (read my review)
• Leading with Heart: Five Conversations That Unlock Creativity, Purpose, and Results, by John Baird and Edward Sullivan (see especially the section on “fight, flee, or freeze”) – (read my review)
• Parenting in a Screen Saturated Culture: Teaching Healthy Decision-Making to the Smartphone, YouTube, Instagram, Gaming Generation, by Doug Fields and Jonathan McKee (read my review)
To order from Amazon, click on the title for Why We Argue and How to Stop: A Therapist’s Guide to Navigating Disagreements, Managing Emotions, and Creating Healthier Relationships, by Jerry Manney. For more book reviews, visit John Pearson’s Buckets Blog and subscribe to Your Weekly Staff Meeting. (And thanks to the author for sending me a review copy.)
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