Issue No. 484 of Your Weekly Staff Meeting includes a critical alert about narcissistic leaders (including pastors)—and prevention methods and metaphors. And this reminder: click here to download free resources from the 20 management buckets (core competencies) and click here for the new book I wrote with my son, Jason, Mastering Mistake-Making: My 25 Memorable Mistakes—And What I Learned. See Mistake #10 below.
Narcissistic leaders “are consummate chameleons, able to change their colors effortlessly as they mimic the background of whatever situation they may be in, and that includes their ability to appear compassionate.”
Interview Question: “How Weird Are You?”
Last year, while locked down in the Pearson Bunker, we began talking about writing the “mistakes” book. The big idea—If I’d Only Read This Book Earlier in My Career, I Could Have Avoided This BIG Leadership Mistake!
But should the book highlight my Top-10, Top-50, or Top-100 big leadership mistakes? (Yikes. I have an abundance of examples.) Much too late, I’ve often read a book that would have rescued me in those gut-wrenching situations.
Today’s book would certainly be on that list. Maybe I could have avoided some big leadership mistakes had I read more and understood more about narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
In my work with churches, denominations, and nonprofit ministries, it would have been immensely helpful if I had read Let Us Prey at the front end of my leadership years. While Darrell Puls focuses on “The Plague of Narcissist Pastors And What We Can Do About It” (the subtitle), his book is a Big Wake-Up Call for all ministry leaders, board members and the silent sufferers in the pews and organizations—anywhere and everywhere—where narcissists are doing their damage. Oh, my.
Puls writes from sad experience. He served as a staff pastor under a narcissist. As a church consultant (conflict resolution and more), he’s seen the destructive underbelly of narcissist pastors and, yes, narcissist churches. He notes, “Healthy and unhealthy organizations tend to follow the patterns of their leaders.”
The author makes it clear—he loves the church. He’s a cheerleader for pastors. And he’s not naïve. “We are all narcissists to some degree,” he writes, “and many have observed the increase in narcissistic behavior in our society.” He adds, “Narcissism is a spectrum condition meaning that it goes from the least inclination to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).”
Church board members, staff members, and key volunteers—especially—must read Let Us Prey. But any leader or board member (nonprofit or for-profit) will benefit from the author’s thoughtful analysis of narcissists and NPD. It’s impossible to summarize the depth of the issue—and some solutions—in this short review, but these snippets, I pray, will inspire you to read the book.
#1. NPD DEFINED. According to the diagnostic criteria of the American Psychological Association, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following…” Page 23 lists nine statements, including these three eye-poppers:
1. “Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).”
3. “Believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).”
5. “Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).”
As Puls defines NPD, he notes the all-important differences between covert and overt narcissists. (Websites are also helpful including the Mayo Clinic’s description of NPD.)
#2. THE NARCISSIST’S RIVAL: GOD. Puls’ research is vast. The bibliography (14 pages) lists more than 200 books, articles, and resources. He quotes Donald Capps in the publication, Pastoral Psychology, who concludes “with the premise that the most valuable test for extreme narcissism revolves around this question: Does the person in question believe and act as if they are God?” The answer: “…deep inside the true narcissist sees himself as godlike and God as a terrifying rival.”
#3. THE NARCISSIST AS LEADER. “It is our expectation that our pastors will do the work of the Lord rather than be the Lord of the work. The narcissist insists that he is the Lord of the work and all others should serve him.” It gets worse:
• “The acting ability of the narcissist must not be underestimated or misread. They are consummate chameleons, able to change their colors effortlessly as they mimic the background of whatever situation they may be in, and that includes their ability to appear compassionate. Covert narcissists in particular can mimic compassion for extended periods, but overt narcissists tire of it quickly and are able to mirror empathy only in short swatches.”
• “…the narcissist pastor will find a way to insert himself into the sermon in a positive way. It may be a statement about how good it is to have self-esteem and how wonderful he feels at knowing that he is a child of God, or it could be subtler in softly proclaiming his own humility, which is in itself a contradiction—he’s proud of his humility.”
#4. THE NARCISSISTIC CHURCH. In Chapter 9, the author identifies characteristics of the narcissistic church: denial, uniqueness, grandiosity, entitlement, paranoia/isolation, lack of empathy, little awareness of external perception, rationalization, and organizational psychosis. The chart on page 167 compares individual narcissism with organizational narcissism in six categories. One key tip-off: watch for superlatives.
This must-read chapter includes this: “One man I know personally talks constantly about how his church is the best, most biblically accurate, friendliest, wealthiest…keep adding superlatives. His own narcissistic needs are met at least in part by being a member of this particular church.”
#5. PREVENTION. Pastors, CEOs, senior team members, board members—they all come and go. But don’t relax. If you’re not facing a narcissistic challenge today—it could be just around the bend with your next hire. Chapter 12 is jam-packed with practical preventative help—especially for governing board members who must understand “their legal responsibility to protect the church [or organization] as fiduciaries.”
Puls includes 14 interview questions from a business leader, Carl Cadwell, that may help a search committee or supervisor identify narcissistic issues in a candidate. Each question includes a commentary on what to look for. Example:
• “How do you define success for yourself?” Commentary: “This will quickly bring out desires for prestige, power, recognition, etc.”
• “On a scale of 1 to 10 how weird are you?” Commentary: “It is not so much the number; it is more seeing how candidates react to a question. Because our whole belief is that everyone is a little weird.”
• “What is something you believe that nearly no one agrees with you on?” Commentary: “This is an interesting way to get at a sense of isolation, grandiosity, and even paranoia.”
#6. THERAPY. If, like the author, you’ve been trashed by a narcissistic pastor or leader, you’ll find comfort in the therapeutic pages of Let Us Prey. Chapter 10, “Healing the People” is balm for the soul. “You are not at fault if a narcissist pastor has victimized you. You were carefully and intentionally groomed, seduced, and manipulated to reveal some of your greatest hopes, weaknesses, and fears only to have them used against you by someone you trusted.”
UNMASKED! Ironically, if you read this in our current COVID-19 marathon, the latest edition includes powerful, but sad, first-person stories in Chapter 4, “Unmasked.” Note: The revised edition was published in June 2020. The 2017 edition (which I also read) was pulled due to some research inaccuracies. Have I mentioned yet that the 2020 edition is “must-read?”
To order from Amazon, click on the title for Let Us Prey, Revised Edition: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It, by Darrell Puls.
YOUR WEEKLY STAFF MEETING QUESTIONS:
1) Darrell Puls notes that “while healthy people have a full emotional range of A to Z, the narcissist, while mimicking the full range, only experiences a range of A to B…” He adds, “In fact, most of their projected emotions are an act designed to get what it is they need most: admiration and adulation from others as a means to control them.” Have you—or someone close to you—been the victim of a narcissist? What did you learn?
2) Yes, you have likely made leadership mistakes in the past, but perhaps some doozies could have been avoided with a greater focus on lifelong learning. What book are you reading (or listening to) this month?
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Learn More About Narcissism
BONUS NOTES (not included in the emailed edition of Your Weekly Staff Meeting)
The core competency in the Culture Bucket affirms, “We strive to create a corporate culture with core values that are crystal clear. We yearn for a God-honoring workplace where grace and trust are alive and well. Because we are human we will always have relational conflicts, so we are zealots about resolving conflict early. We invite those who won’t live out our values to exit. We experience true joy at work.”
To keep your core values relevant, learn more about narcissism—to prevent your team from hiring the wrong leader, recruiting the wrong board member, and misunderstanding or ignoring inappropriate behavior. Check out these resources:
• 14 Staff Meeting Questions. “I’m Not a Narcissist.” Consider using David Russell’s 14 behavior questions at your next staff meeting (test them with a colleague first!). Read here on the Manage2Win Blog.
• The Owner-Pastor Cult. “It’s Time to Confront the Cult of the Owner-Pastor in the Body of Christ,” by Scott Rodin. Read here in The Steward’s Journey Blog.
• Clergy Honesty. According to a Jan. 6, 2020 report, Gallup’s 18th annual survey of honesty and ethical standards indicated that nurses were rated the highest and car salespeople were rated the lowest. But 54% of Americans rated police officers very high or high in the survey (note the date), while only 40% rated clergy very high or high. Read more.
• Get Out of the Box! Click here to read my 2018 review of Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box (Second Edition), by The Arbinger Institute.
• Need Some Inspiration/Encouragement? In the chapter on “Healing the People” in Let Us Prey, Darrell Puls suggests a “T.R.U.T.H.” process. The second T” is for Transforming and he shares an insightful metaphor, “Changing the Wind,” noting the disciples’ method for addressing the problem versus Jesus’ approach in Luke 8. After reading this, I then watched this powerful praise video with Jessy Dixon, “Master, the Tempest Is Raging.” Click here.
View on YouTube: "Master, the Tempest Is Raging"
For more resources and books, visit the Culture Bucket.
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Mistake #10 of 25:
Being “Mr. Nice Guy” vs. “Mr. Truthful Guy”
Insights from Mastering Mistake-Making: My 25 Memorable Mistakes—And What I Learned, by John Pearson with Jason Pearson
Read what John learned from “Power Broker” Margaret Thatcher in Gen. Stanley McChrystal’s book, Leaders: Myth and Reality.
John writes, “My association leadership years didn’t prepare me for consulting. I quickly had to understand the difference between likeability and results. Margaret Thatcher, prime minister of the United Kingdom for 11 years (1979 to 1990) was dubbed the ‘Iron Lady’ by a Soviet journalist—a nickname that became associated with her uncompromising politics and leadership style.” Leadership: Myth and Reality quotes Thatcher:
“If you set out to be liked, you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing.”
It took John a while—and it took some guts—but eventually he discovered that clients appreciated the unvarnished truth. John says he may not have been well-liked when he presented his recommendations, but at least his clients didn’t shoot the messenger! Read Mistake #10 to learn more, including the unique partnership between Thatcher, Ronald Reagan, and Pope John Paul II—and what happened when they spoke the truth.
Click here to view the list of all 25 mistakes and read the introduction to Mastering Mistake Making. To order this book from Amazon, click on the title for Mastering Mistake-Making: My 25 Memorable Mistakes—And What I Learned (10 Minutes for Lifelong Learning Workbook), by John Pearson with Jason Pearson.
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JASON PEARSON: UNEXPECTED CREATIVE. In Mistake #10, we note the “Five Stages of Decline” in organizations (per Jim Collins). To avoid decline, you often need outside help—someone gutsy enough to ask you tough questions. Contact Pearpod Media (branding, digital, print, and video).
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