Issue No. 360 of Your Weekly Staff Meeting reminds you that by your mid-sixties, you’ll have spent several thousand hours in some form of conflict. Yikes! And this reminder: click here to download free resources from the 20 management buckets (core competencies) and click here for my “Book-of-the-Year” picks from 2008 to 2016.
Gut Punching Through Conflict!
Here’s the endorsement I wrote for Overcoming Conflict, the hot-off-the-press book by Bob Phillips, author of more than 130 books (not a typo!) with more than 11 million copies in print:
“Bob Phillips got my attention with this poke-in-the-ribs: ‘It has been suggested that by the time we’re in our mid-sixties that we’ve spent several thousand hours in some form of conflict.’ Oh, my. In any other area of life and work requiring thousands of hours, we would study diligently to master the subject. So when is the last time you’ve read a book on relational conflict? Never, probably. Now’s the time—and this is the book. It’s powerful! I should have read this book 25 years ago!”
In addition to serious stuff, Phillips also writes joke books—and, fortunately, with this serious subject, Bob keeps our attention with wise content and LOL humor—like this:
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Two old farmers bought property next to each other. One of the farmer’s hens wandered under the fence onto the other farmer’s property. After laying an egg, the hen wandered back home. The farmer looked out his window and saw his hen coming back. He went out to the fence and saw the egg. Just as he started to move forward and pick up the egg, the other farmer came to the fence, grabbed the egg, turned and walked away.
“Excuse me, that’s my egg. My hen wandered over to your property and laid that egg.”
“I can see that,” the other farmer said. “The egg is on my property, so it’s now my egg.”
“I don’t think so,” the farmer insisted. “It’s my hen, so it’s my egg.”
“Look, where I come from we have a way to settle disputes. We take turns punching each other in the stomach twenty times. The first one to say ‘Uncle’ has to let the other person keep the egg.”
“That’s fair,” the farmer with the hen replied. “Let’s do it.”
The other farmer said, “Ok, I’ll go first.” He held the egg in one hand and proceeded to punch his neighbor twenty times in the stomach with his other hand. His neighbor groaned and grimaced with every punch, but took all twenty. He took a deep breath and said, “Ok, now it’s my turn.” He rolled up his sleeves and took a step forward. The farmer with the egg extended his hand, with the egg in it, and said, “Uncle! You can keep your stupid egg!”
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Phillips adds, “That’s not exactly the best way to resolve conflict, but unfortunately, people don’t always resolve conflict in the healthiest manner.”
With that funny first page of Chapter 1, “What Is Conflict?” the author delivers practical wisdom and pragmatic next steps for both big and little conflicts. Short chapters pack a punch with compelling topics:
• Ten Myths About Conflict
• Three Approaches to Resolving Conflict
• Choose Your Words Carefully
• Observing Body Language
• Body Language at a Glance
• Why Is Forgiveness So Difficult?
I’ve reviewed several books by Phillips (see below) who is a master teacher on the four social styles: Analyticals, Drivers, Amiables, and Expressives. Chapter 10, “Making the Confrontation,” competently explains how each style addresses conflict:
• Analyticals: Withdraw
• Drivers: Dominate
• Amiables: Give In
• Expressives: Attack
This chapter has ample wisdom for multiple staff meetings (or family dinners!). Example: “Attempting to control Drivers will cause more conflict and cause them to over-control.” And for Analyticals: “When you approach them with a step-by-step solution for review, you are talking their language.”
The “Conflict Matrix” chart on page 73 is worth the price of the book. Four quadrants articulate a low to high “Concern for Others: Acceptance” against a low to high “Concern for Self: Assertiveness.” The four quadrants summarize the approaches:
• Accommodate: Your Way
• Collaborate: Our Way
• Avoidance: No Way
• Force: My Way
It’s not if you’ll have relationship conflict on your team—it’s when. So someone on your team should read this important book and report on it soon. (Delegate your reading!)
To order from Amazon, click on the title for Overcoming Conflict: How to Deal with Difficult People and Situations, by Bob Phillips.
Your Weekly Staff Meeting Questions:
1) Bob Phillips includes a list of 93 (I counted!) body signals or gestures that are common to most people. He says “a review of these nonverbal behaviors will help you prepare for a confrontation (and also a job interview, performance evaluation, sales job, and dealing with people in most settings). Discuss: What does “legs, knees, or feet pointing toward the door” communicate?
2) Phillips also includes 17 pages of “Biblical Wisdom for Reducing Relationship Conflicts,” plus “Biblical Wisdom on the Power of Words and Behavior.” Do any of our core values (on the wall) address overcoming conflict—and if so, is there biblical wisdom that is foundational to our aspirations?
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How to Deal With Annoying People! Insights from Mastering the Management Buckets: 20 Critical Competencies for Leading Your Business or Nonprofit
The four social styles (Analyticals, Drivers, Amiables, and Expressives) are described in the People Bucket (Chapter 7) in Mastering the Management Buckets. Author Bob Phillips also has three “social styles” books that will help you understand your co-workers, your family, your friends—and yourself. Read my reviews for:
• 7 Seconds to Success: How to Effectively Relate to People in an Instant, by Gary Coffey and Bob Phillips
• How to Deal with Annoying People: What to Do When You Can't Avoid Them, by Bob Phillips and Kimberly Alyn
• The Delicate Art of Dancing With Porcupines: Learning to Appreciate the Finer Points of Others, by Bob Phillips
For more resources on social styles, including two overview/worksheets, visit The People Bucket webpage.
P.S. Read John’s recent blog on board governance, "Board Member Self-Measurements," from his 2017 series on Max De Pree's book, Called to Serve. Plus, view David Russell's interview with John and Mike Pate for the "No Bad Bosses" podcast this week. Lotsa laughs!
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